Porn and Sexual Performance?

Posted by Amelia Drake on

Dear Amelia,

So my dude is addicted to porn & masturbates so much that my vag isn't tight enough for him anymore & often he can't keep hard for long & has to pull out & masturbate a while off & on-or go in my butt. I'm not that into anal-it hurts-personally I'd rather do it vaginally. Also, he's desensitized himself so much, it takes him forever to get off & it's just exhausting for me-and him-we both get leg/body cramps lol! Which also causes him to lose his erection-We often have to finish w/him masturbating & me just helping in some way, nipple sucking, rubbing/licking his balls or even anal play. He refuses to let me use a toy on him, he's only ok w/milking the prostrate w/my finger. I do kegels to tighten for him-but that's not enough-my vagina can't squeeze as tight as his hand, or make the same motions. Do you have any suggestions/products you can think of? besides him stopping completely-he's tried.
Thx, Sick of Porn

 

Dear Sick of Porn,

Ok, So first off, this is totally normal. A lot of guys get addicted to porn and don't realize how bad it affects their sex life. If you/he hasn't read this article from Men's Health, you really should... http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/porn-debate/

So here's some thoughts on your situation...

1- Unless you are Mrs. Duggar, I doubt your vag is too loose. Kegels are good, but you have to do a LOT of them for them to make much of an impact. Have you tried kegel balls? They may help in building the muscles. It's not that you are "too loose," I can assure you! You may want to try doing kegels while he is inside of you? This will give him that "tight" feeling and also allow you to get in a quick vag workout!

It may also be your position- different positions can make the vagina feel looser or tighter. One of the best positions to create that "tight" feeling is you laying on your stomach, completely stretched out with your legs closed behind you. He then mounts from behind- with his thighs on the outside of your thighs. You may have to pop your butt up a little so he can get in- but once he's in, it will feel much tighter for him, and you can squeeze your inner thighs and kegels and rock your body with his rhythm to help build the friction.

2- Let's be honest, this is his issue, not yours. I would suggest he might even want to talk to his doc- I'm guessing he's fairly young (under 50), so he should NOT be having issues with maintaining an erection unless there is something else going on- mentally or physically. I am assuming you have had a serious conversation with him about your issues? I would ask him what he is thinking about when he loses his erection. Is he comparing you to the girls in the porn he is watching? Does he have fantasies that he is too embarrassed to ask you about? You are a beautiful girl, and you should not feel like this is your fault- or his- but something you guys need to figure out together and find the source of the problem. He really needs to sit down and figure out what is going on. Only he knows what thoughts are causing him to lose his erection, and if he doesn't discuss them with you, you two won't be able to figure out a solution to the problem. If he swears it is not a mental issue (which I suspect it is), then he may want to visit with a doctor to discuss possible physical causes. If he is on any medications, there may be side effects that hurt the libido, and there are prescriptions out there to help with this. If he doesn't feel he's ready to talk with the doc, you can also try a sexual enhancer- they have over the counter pills and creams that you can get at a sex store online or in person, I don't have a lot of experience with them, but it may be worth a try. I would suggest being careful with purchasing these items from overseas- you have no idea what is in the cocktail and it's unregulated by the US.

3- This is the big one! I think you are BOTH missing out on a major erogenous zone! Anal should be a pleasurable experience for both guys and girls. If it hurts you, it's because he is not doing it right!!! Number one- Lube, lube, lube, did I mention lube? Guys forget that while a vagina self lubricates, the anus does not. There is never such a thing as too much lube when it comes to anal! Number Two- Go slooooooowly... again, the anus is not the same as a vagina, and it takes time to warm it up. If you are still new to anal, I would suggest getting an anal trainer set, which is a set of increasing larger plugs. Here's the trick... communication! If it feels uncomfortable, it is because he is going to fast, or hasn't applied enough lube- TELL HIM! If it hurts, have him pull back and start again.

So, with anal, it is a really pleasurable experience, when done right. If it starts to hurt, tell him, slow it down and start again. Work up to his cock- a small butt plug with lots of lube is a great way to start. You can also start with the butt plug at the beginning, let it sit for a while, slowly relaxing your muscles while you do other activities, that way you are giving it time to adjust. Oh- and one more thought on this subject- if you are not ready, it will never feel good! You HAVE to be relaxed and trust that he is going to be gentle. If you aren't relaxed and the trust is not there, no amount of lube or patience will get you there. The easiest way to do it, is put a pillow under your hips and then just relax, your natural inclination is going to clench, but that will only make it worse. If you can't relax, I would suggest doing a little anal play- solo- that way you are familiar with that area of your body, what you like, don't like, etc. Oh, and my personal recommendation- avoid fingers! No matter how short his nails are, they can still scratch or tear your very delicate insides, so using a small plug is much more pleasurable and sanitary! And remember NEVER go Ass to Vag- that's a yeast infection cocktail!

Once he is in, the magic really happens when you add clitoral stimulation to the mix. If you don't have a wand (the Magic Wand is the standard, but there are a lot of lower priced ones out there!), you need to get one. Once you are ready and he is inside of you, apply the wand to your magic button, and I guarantee you will both be blown away with the results! You'll be begging for more, and he will be the one who can't keep up with you!

Finally- as for his hang up with toys and anal. Tell him to get over it! The male prostate is the equivalent of the female g spot. They are both elusive and sometimes hard to find, but when you do, WOW! A lot of guys get hung up on the idea of using their back door as making them "gay." WRONG! Enjoying your body to its fullest has absolutely nothing to do with your sexual orientation. (As a side note- very few people are actually gay or straight- society requires that we classify ourselves, when in reality most people fall in a spectrum somewhere in between- guys just have a lot of difficulty admitting to their attraction to another guy!)

Some ideas to help him overcome his hang ups- do the same things to him as I said to do to you. You guys could even have an "anal exploration" session where you both either play with yourselves or the other person- with no pressure to take it any farther but to get to know that area of your body better. I would definitely suggest that he research some male prostate toys- there are a lot out there- and try one or two, just to see. If he likes it, get another one. Toys are great because they spice things up and add variety. A lot of people are afraid to add toys to their play as they believe that they can accomplish everything with just their natural made gifts- well, toys do not take away from your experience, they only add to it and create different sensations. Aneros, Colt, Master Series, they all make some great products.

Okay, I'm almost done with this novel... my final suggestion- once you both are ready, would be to try "pegging." If you haven't heard of it, this is when a girl puts on a strap-on and takes him from behind. One- you will be surprised by the sexual arousal you get from "being in charge." Two, he will get the full prostate experience, and three, he can still jerk it! Use a vibe on yourself at the same time for mutual enjoyment!

XOXO,

Amelia

 


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