I have been married to my husband for over 15 years, and love him with all of my heart. He is a wonderful man and father, but I accepted a long time ago that we are not a good sexual match.
We have sex 2-3 a week, and it's always missionary. 9 times out of 10, I am the initiator. Now, he works a lot, and is the sole breadwinner, so I understand that he is tired, but I really want to reignite the passion in our marriage.
To make things worse, I saw 50 Shades of Grey with some girlfriends a few weeks ago, and they were telling me how much their love life has improved since then, that they are trying new things, and being more adventurous in the bedroom.
I really want to discuss this with my husband, and I like the idea of being his submissive (I have fantasies of him spanking me!), I just don't know how to ask. I am afraid he will laugh at me, or worse, think that I am sick or perverted.
What should I do? Continue initiating mundane missionary sex, or find a way to express to him by secret fantasies?
Dear Wishful Submissive,
First, I want to commend you for asking these questions. There are so many women out there who are too afraid or timid to even consider expressing their sexual desires to their partner, and because of that, often have unsatisfactory love lifes. I have read studies in which women, far past child-bearing years, have never experienced an orgasm.
Second, I want to commend you for taking initiative, even if it is to have "mundane missionary sex." Some sex is better than no sex, right? And the fact that you are initiating it the majority of the time, tells me that you have the courage to have an honest heart-to-heart discussion with your husband.
Third, I want to address Fifty Shades of Grey. This is a point of contention that I have wanted to address for quite a whlie, so although it doesn't answer your question (which I will get to momentarily), I still feel it is an important topic of discussion. I have read all three books, and found them to be enjoyable reads, with some very sexy scenes. I have yet to watch the movie, but that is mostly from fear that it will ruin the imagery that I already have in my head. I have many friends in the fetish community who feel differently, they feel that Fifty Shades is trying to make mainstream what has been a close-knit but hidden (think secret society) community for a long time, and like to act as though Fifty Shades doesn't truly represent the art of bondage. They feel that Fifty Shades of Grey is like chocolate ice cream to rocky road- seems yummy compared to vanilla, but still lacking creativity and authenticity; that Fifty Shades of Grey is for beginners, not serious bondage, which many in the fetish community consider to be a full time lifestyle. To this, I have three points that I feel need to be said.
One- Sex, bondage, fetish, missionary, who cares what you like, as long as you are happy. It doesn't matter if you are a pro with a dungeon complete with iron cross, cage, and full shackles in your basement, or if you are just starting out. If your fetish is being spanked, or treated as a dog, or playing the innocent school girl, or licking someone's toes- who cares? It is your sex life. Your desires. Your passions. Own them. If you embrace your sexuality, find what is pleasurable to you, and do it, GREAT! To all those who feel a need to judge others on their "level" of a certain type of sex, let go of your judgements, and focus on your own desires. There is no positive outcome of negativity and judgment, only feelings of inadequacy, and failure. Because if you are judging others on the outside, really, you are just judging yourself on the inside. In order to truly embrace your own sexuality, desires, and fetishes, you must learn to accept others, and their sexuality, desires, and fetishes.
Two- "Fifty Shades of Grey is not real bondage" (I have heard that a million times!) WRONG. Bondage is "a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission." (Wikipedia, BDSM) This means that any type of sex involving one dominant partner and one submissive, could technically be considered bondage. Many in the fetish community associate pain with bondage- nipple or cock torture, flogging or spanking with a wooden paddle until one's backside draws blood, tying a patient to a medical bed for an anal examination that is really the insertion of a large toy... the list goes on, but the definition does not. In truth, bondage is an art form, of which there are many styles. From your letter, Wishful Submissive, I paint you as a woman who needs to let go, who wants her man to take control and do as he may. No pain, no torture, pure and simple initiative and dominance in the bedroom.
Three- Fifty Shades of Grey changed the sex life of millions (or billions) of people in a positive way. As you wrote this letter, you voiced a question that many women, and men have asked- is this something I want to try? Should we experiment? How do I broach this with my significant other? And honestly, in my (probably not so) humble opinion, the books/movie has saved marriages. Women and men who felt lost and unstimulated suddenly found a way to discuss a topic that had been too intimidating before. Fifty Shades of Grey made it okay to tell your partner about desires that may have seemed strange or perverted or dirty previously- but are really just a natural part of being a human being and celebrating one's sexuality.
So, Wishful Sub, I hope you are still with me, as after addressing the previous topics, I am now ready to address your question. Take my soapbox, put it across the room; no, lock it in the basement, and picture me sitting across from you on the couch ready to have girls talk.
Absolutely. Positvely. 100% you MUST discuss your desires- NEEDS- with your husband. Being afraid of his response is understable, this is why many women never even broach the subject, but the fact is, he married you for you- all of you- and that includes your sexual needs. If his is unable to accept you and your desires, than the problem is with him, not with you. On the same hand, you must consider his willingness (and yours) to fulfill the other one's fantasies. Perhaps via this conversation you learn that his fantasy is getting a blow job under a blanket on a plane with a stranger next to him- I'm guessing that is a no-go for you- but by having a real conversation about your desires you can brainstorm ways to achieve each of your fantasies in a safe place (road head perhaps?)
You are the initiator, which is fantastic, you have already established a level of communication- even if it is unspoken- with your husband. Now use it. Find a way to sit down and have the conversation. Or, if that is still too intimidates, try one of these scenarios:
About a half hour before he is expected to come home from work, wrap yourself in saran wrap. Leave you legs free, but everything else should be tightly packaged. (Oh, and make sure the kids are somewhere else- that applies to all of these suggestions!) After putting the saran wrap on, add a bath robe. Make sure the saran wrap is competely hidden, so when he walks in the door, he will be none the wiser, except perhaps confused by you pre-dinner attire. He will hopefully inquire as to why you are not dressed, but if he doesn't go ahead and initiate the conversation as you would like, take the initiative. In your own words, explain that you had a fairly unexciting day, and would love to play an old fashioned game of tag. Ideally, you will have gotten his attention at this point, and you can start running. If you are still facing a bewildered husband, walk over to him, and in your sexiest voice, stroke his chest, then look up, hold eye contact, and say"catch me if you can." Then, run. I am not talking cutsie catch me a second later- really run. Imagine he is an intruder, an uninvited guest, and protect your jewels (you) until you can't any more. Even when he catches you, fight him. Make him work for the prize. You are no longer the initiator who gives it away- you are the captive who must be subdued. At some point he will get the robe off, at which point, you will have the opportunity to escape admist his surprise. Run away! Like I said, make him work for it. Men are hardwired to hunt- prey or lover, it doesn't matter, the act of chasing you, tearing off your robe, then having to catch you again and pin you down while carefully cutting off the saran wrap with scissors- this should drive him into a tizzy like nothing else. From there- let things unfold as you wish. You can comply, or continue to fight, whatever turns YOU on.
Note: Failure to excite a spouse in this way should be a concern. If he is uninterested, bored, refuses to play, or simply "catches and releases," there needs to be a serious conversation. His failure to respond may be a symptom of a variety of issues- highly stressful day (like, he got fired, not had another "day at the office"), he's having an affair (I know it hurts, but get it out there, face it, and make a decision on your next move!), he's gay, or he has testicular cancer (Hey, at least you'll finally be in the know!)
Let's play charades! (Once again- make sure the kiddos are out of the house, please! Otherwise, you are going to pay for this in therapy...) Charades is simple, everyone knows that one person acts out a word/phrase/etc while their team attempts to guess what it is. In one-on-one charades, the rules are slightly different. You get to make up the phrases, scenarios, words, movies, etc. Write (or type) them on a piece of paper, and tell hubby you want to play a game. Explain that it is not a competitive game, just a way to reconnect and have fun with your partner. If he will agree, have him write out some cards to mix into the stack, otherwise, stick with your pre-made ones. Each of you will then take turns acting out the various clues that you have previously written. (Try not to get the answer right away, it's more fun to see him act it out anyway!) . You have sixty seconds to act out your card- if you fail, and your partner doesn't guess it, you must tell them what it was and act it out again- for 30 seconds, then it is the other partner's turn. If they guess correctly, it is their turn.
Here are some great sample cards for someone in your position: Spanking, Kiss, Schoolgirl, Handcuffs, Doggystyle, Secret, Submissive, Fifty Shades of Grey, Bondage, Touching, Flogger, Rules, Lust, Safe Word, Sex, Masturbation, Dominant, Kegal Balls, Love, Control
Scenario C- Ignore him. What? am I crazy? Yes, maybe a little- but stick with me- go through your day as if nothing is different. Greet him with your normal greeting when he gets home, make dinner, then call him to the table (if this is not your normal routinue, you may want to instiute it a week or so earlier.) Once you are both served (Kids are somewhere else, remember?) pull out Fifty Shades of Grey. Focus on it. Eat your dinner as a side note. Relish every word. And when he asks what is so interesting- tell him!
Boring husband: "What's so interesting about that book that you can't put it down and have a real conversation with me?"
You: "What?!? Oh, I'm sorry, this is just such an exciting part. I'll put it down when I get to a stopping point." (No you won't!"
Boring husband: "Seriously? Dinner is almost over and you haven't even asked about my day?!"
You: " Well, as much as I'd love to hear about your day, I am completely hooked on this book!!" Have you read any of it? No? Well, let me read this (your favorite section) to you..."
Not-so-boring-husband- now has you strapped over his knee. But, if he is still clueless, seize the opportunity! "Boring husband, I wanted to read that to you because it turned me on. I know we have never done anything like that, but the idea makes me dripping wet. I want you to take control. I trust that you won't hurt me. If you are still afraid of hurting me, let's malke a safe word. But, I'm tired of pretending like my fantasies don't exist. I want to be 100% fulfilled, and I want you to feel the same way. I am setting aside all judgment and locking it in a box. What are your fantasies? What do you masturbate to? What can I do to change our sex life for both of us? (Hopefuuly he will reciprocate with similar questions- if not, just tell him how it its!"
"Boring Husband, I love you. I will never leave you. But after 15 years, our sex has gotten mundane. I don't know if you feel that way as well, but I would really like to try something different. I just read Fifty Shades of Grey, and although we have never tried bondage, I think it might be fun. What do you think? What would be a good safe word?
Ideally, from one of these scenarios, a boundary will be crossed, or a discussion initiated. I will not be there to help, so this part is up to you. There are three outcomes to your situation:
One- He embraces who you are and shares his own fantasies. You open a whole new realm of sexual exploration in your marriage.
Two- He acts as if you are crazy, but refuses to change or adjust his own behavior. (RUN! This is a symptom of a control freak. You deserve better. Leave now, and find someone who is worthy of you, as this man clearly does not.
Three- He will ignore your comments or you will be too afraid to voice them, and life will continue as is...
Wishful Sub, I hope you have the strength to make a stand with you husband and reignite your lost connection. Despite all of my advice, there is one thing you must remember- this is far more important to any other advice I could ever give- be yourself. Love yove yourself. Forgive your sins. Celebrate what makes you who you are. Find your passions, and trace them. It's okay to make a mistake, that is what makes us human. .
This post was written in honor of R. W. May you find your happiness wherever the rainbow may take you, and no matter what, never loose your spark of madness.